Support for Young Adults with Cancer
Parenting & Spouse Support
Raising kids is all about having new experiences. Some are amazing, some are beyond challenging. Even though you’ve probably wished for an instruction manual that tells you exactly what to do in every situation, you’ve made it this far by using your best judgment. Telling your children you have cancer is no different. It will be another challenging experience, and you will get through it.
Think about these suggestions as you prepare to have this sensitive family conversation with your children.
Talk with your kids as soon as possible after receiving your diagnosis. You don’t want them to hear it from someone else or draw their own conclusions. No matter what their age, they will realize something is wrong and may imagine terrible possibilities that may be scarier than a cancer diagnosis. You don’t have to discuss everything at once. Pick a time when you know you won’t be interrupted, and do your best to stay calm. Your mood and your behavior will guide the conversation.
Consider their ages. Younger children may only understand that you’re sick and need medicine to get better, whereas older children will typically want more information. The basic information all kids will likely need is the name of the cancer, the body part it affects, how it will be treated and how their lives will be affected. How much you share will depend on how you think your kids will react.
Prepare them for changes they can see. They may see you feeling sick or vomiting, being very fatigued, losing or gaining weight or losing your hair. That can be unsettling, but if you make them aware it may happen, they will be less alarmed. Some parents have their kids help shave their heads or help them pick out wigs.
Be open and encourage questions. Ask your kids if they have questions. Address what you can. For example, younger kids may fear they caused your cancer or worry they can catch it. Though these types of questions are easier to answer, older kids may not be as open with their feelings. They may need time to process things, so make sure they know they can come to you at any time. And, if you don’t have all the answers, assure them their questions are important and that you will do your best to find those answers.
Help them understand their emotions. Let them know it is okay to feel everything they’re feeling. Admit that it’s a stressful situation for all of you, but you are there for each other. Consider connecting them with someone else they trust, such as your family doctor, a member of the clergy or a child psychologist/counselor. That may be a good relationship to nurture should your condition worsen in the future.
Stick to your household routine. Keep their lives as normal as possible, such as having them continue with their school and extracurricular activities, expecting them to help with chores and having dinner together every evening.
Keep key people in the loop. Share your diagnosis with their teachers, day care providers, coaches, parents of their close friends and your neighbors. It can be a helpful way to explain some behavioral changes that they may see, and they may be able to help out with carpools and other errands. Be sure to keep your kids informed about any changes that include them, such as a different person picking them up from school.
When Your Spouse Has Cancer
Every couple faces ups and downs in their relationship, but a cancer diagnosis introduces unique stresses. As the healthy partner, you may experience the following.
Reduced income. Your spouse may have to stop working during cancer treatment. Brainstorm ways to cut costs. Talk with your spouse’s nurse navigator or a social worker to find out about patient assistance programs for treatment and supportive care services that can help with transportation, childcare and more.
A shift in roles at home. All the household chores may fall to you. Though it is overwhelming, keep in mind that your spouse probably isn’t happy they can’t help. Don’t take it all on yourself. Accept the offers of help from others. Be specific about what you need, such as yardwork, carpooling for your child or bringing over meals.
Emotional stress. Being in your position can be tough, especially if you’re constantly trying to stay upbeat for your spouse and loved ones. Do your best not to let your emotions take over. Find an outlet, or seek the help of a therapist or a trusted friend. Don’t give cancer any more than it is already taking from you.
Caregiving. Consider hiring a caregiver for certain responsibilities that may be hard for you, such as lifting or personal care.
Sex and intimacy. Your sex life may be put on hold for now. Try to understand and sympathize with your spouse as they may be having emotional and physical issues that prevent them from feeling very sexual. Now is the time to nurture your friendship. Find other ways to be close. Snuggle and find things to laugh about. Intimacy isn’t always sexual.
